The following is from a tree hugger:
"Dear Red States:
We (the state of California) have decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research, the Great Lakes, and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay! We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.
If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low-sulfur coa! l, all living redwoods, sequoios and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister Schools, plus Stanford, Cal tech and MIT.
With the Red States, you will have to cope with 59 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health costs, 92 percent of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, 100 percent of all televangelists, plus Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally 38 percent of those in Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless you are discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.
Peace out,
Blue States"
And this is the response:
Dear New California (aka "Mexifornia"):
In response to your letter, you may happily take all the blue states. But to be fair, you should return to the red states all the red voters from your blue states. In exchange, of course, we will send you all the blue voters from our states. In other words, you can have all of our welfare recipients, criminals, union members, and professors. Indeed, we INSIST you take them. We get law enforcement, captains of industry, and pretty much anything incorporated (including Microsoft, who, despite the claim you stake, will likely not want anything to do with your country after the Clinton administration's assault on them). In addition:
You get the trial lawyers. We get the doctors.
You take the blacks and hispanics. We get the asians.
We'll take the crazy right wing ministers off of your hands. You can have Scientology and the child molesters from Boston and Philly.
You can have your $5 coffees and neighborhood bookstores. We get Walmart and Barnes & Noble.
We get gas powered cars. You get electric cars and monorails.
We get the NYSE. You get Nasdaq.
You get vegetarians. We get vitamins.
You can have that institutionalized daycare system that this country calls "public schools." We get vouchers, and we get to fail kids who don't deserve advancement.
You get affirmative action. You'll need it.
We get prisons. You get parolees.
We get to profile. You can wait in line all day and still get blown up.
We get to secure our borders and deport illegals. You may not.
We get Guliani. You get Nagin, Marion Barry, and Dinkins.
We get McCain. You get Dean.
We get Lincoln. You get Douglas.
You get Castro, Stalin, Lenin, Hitler, and Mao. We get the second amendment.
You get Marx. We get Adam Smith.
You get abortions. We get children.
You get the gays and Micahel Moore. Free of charge.
As to the single moms that you mentioned, we'll actually have to split those because while it is true that we have a higher divorce rate, that's only because we choose to get married in the first place. In other words, we get "fathers", you get "my baby's daddy." The only difference is that our single moms actually collect child support from their ex-spouses. You'll have to support yours with your welfare system.
And it's a good thing you're anti-war because you won't have many enlisting in your military.
I suspect if we divide the country up that way, we won't have that unfortunate problem of you collecting such a disproportionate share of the tax revenue, because your states will not have OUR people to tax. I say "our people" because after all, the Republicans are supposed to be the party of the rich, right?
Fair enough?
Very truly yours, The Red States.
